I still wonder why?
Page five bright.
I am here to offer an apology for my self pity has shown here, so I have come to delete and offer something better or so I hope.
I can tell you what she choose, what she did, it was vicious, so malicious oh yes, it was bad and it made me oh so sad, yes, my friends I know now what depression is for I was and it does hurt, but sunshine comes it may take a while..
Once again I’ll back track to another time before all this.
When rainbows they did dot the sky and life was happy and oh so bright (let’s all say yes, and right) but you see I was given an ominous warning. Yes, it was given this message from her mother, but I ignored her sound advise her council, yes sir I was a fool so wise so dumb, I choose. Yes the end it was foretold from the start, but as you know the truth of all youthful vigor is the young just do not listen; oh and the young at heart do it to for love or lust makes us all fools. No, I would not listen: I did not want to hear, so I paid a price most dear.
Her mother told me many years before not to marry her sweet daughter; for her daughter said her mother did not love me, oh she seemed to like me that was clear, but she loved the idea of a marriage, but not me. But I was so enthralled in love in heat in lust I could not would not listen.
So now we must say thank you to old man Hindsight for your twenty, twenty, but the young when told refuse to listen.(so who’s to blame who’s at fault? Answer it is we for what we choose) It’s my fault.
About me wife:
Oh, I could say so many things that would describe this beauty that stole my heart. Oh the woman that I first wed so many things could be said, but none would be one tenth true; all would slant the truth to make me look as if I was wronged. In some way I was, but she was lost so very lonely. she really did not know nor understand what she wanted or what lay ahead.
We had three almost four very nice and well used years. The day she told of the son I was joyful oh so happy, but she was withdrawn and so sad, odd how now I do remember that. Her Mother words haunt me still.
When it came to number two she was distant she was not thrilled later when she thought she might be having number three, she was enraged saying this can not be, I can not will not have another one of your children; no not again. within a week she came to me a smiling sweet, it was a mistake I am not having any child. .Here is a bit of gossip now to say: she saw a doc he excised all her troubles, but the consequences were now my fault for she could not from that point on conceive.
It’s odd what one remembers but it’s been now nearly thirty years so I wonder now about these things called curses and what is then the meaning of a blessing. Was she cursed or was I. She wanted a daughter, but not mine, now I have a sweet daughter who has made my life a joy and she is my reminder of .God’s Blessing.
So I dealt with all of this and then the issue of the big C. yes, my new illness. as I said I tried to ignore the C, thinking it would go away, however sadly it did not; in fact it got a lot worse. Oh I got thinner, I got lighter, I was simply like the guy in shrinking man movie wasting away.
I went from two hundred and five down to one twenty-five and even then as time passed I lost more; until I saw the Doc in Washington where I weighed in at eighty-seven. So I was Five feet five and jokingly I’d say eighty-five pounds a feather weight, but man I was alive, I looked like a walk-in kick in skeleton..
I was sick nearly at death’s door. Well that was true but I did not in all honesty care. Until me pappy said to me get off your bum and get well. So I said to this burly man who raised me, why? His reply helps me much because I said to do it and if you don’t you’ll hurt your mother. So I went to the oncology docs, the surgeons oh the. fun the joy the pleasure. My pappy he told me that one day she would relent and allow the boys to have contact as did everyone else I knew and met. But Alice lived in wonder land I live in the world of mortal men where people live to lie and lie to live and get their way.
Now my back story is not as simple as I said. when I saw the doctor that year. I still had a million in life insurance on me self, and my love was the beneficiary. So after I told her I may have this dread disease, some test would tell them and they would call…… I cancelled it and all the rest I had no job could not afford it. Someone sweet and smiling then went to the agent who issued the life policy , and asked if they could pay my premium, one reason was just in case he passes away, then the children would be taken care of don’t you see.
The story of the history takes a turn intrigued? Guns and autos many threats fear and hiding on it went. Oh how quickly love or lust became indifference and then blossomed into loathing bathed in hate. But this is where I found myself, I finally understood the whole relationship was done. But the second phase was the very worst for the torcher was now to begin.
Many times I asked God why and when what had I done. .. All that happened was because I choose wrong would not listen I was to blame for where I was. Except for the big C. Believe it or not it turned out to be the blessing and still is.
Oh about the policy:
I do so ramble on:
They were a wee bit angry at the response they got; an in-depth explaining of the no, for they ask the question why, yes, they asked why for once, not me…
So he replied to their request and with the truth explained to them, yes even then their anger rose and was thus unleashed on me for the loss the possible gain of a million in the life insurance lottery game for the policy was gone and cancelled by me myself and I..
Oh my ex she was a beauty she still is I have seen twice now in these last fifteen years. Oh how she could and still does smile her smile could melt the hardest heart, her eyes they sparkled deep within they had a fire that seemed to jump to glow, Oh she did shine so soft so sweet in heaven I was with her. If she asked I would do; so I worked and worked but never passed the useful test. the one that cries out respect for sadly I did not hold a position of responsibility.
So Now that thirty years have flashed bye, I realized now what may have gone wrong. The reason I was missing, I have, for yes, for sooth me thinks that I have pieced together the bigger answer to the question that I asked my why. Oh I sought it out but it was there in front of me. I believe I have finally learned what my failure was. I had not letters behind my name (well if one could count BS or the others; they are what one is said to have and be), nor did I have a sheep skin on display. All I did was pack the bags at the store with food stuffs and rushed them out to cars, than off to clean then stock the produce, clean the lettuce and after that slice some deli meats. Then each day I would be given lessons in how to cut and grind the meat cut the pork and work the chicken. All of this was way beneath the wife my and others; I was just a fool worthless of no value. Oh had I had a title, a job with prestige some worth, where one had real respect from others; oh it was then too late I realized I brought shame and dishonor upon she and her family, they hung their heads in shame at the mention of my name. They could not attend church their daughter was married to a lazy fool. I was a dread stock clerk.
But with this I must add was the dread disease that I . had, one she could not deal with one she feared that she would catch. She had the papers all prepared to give to me. Oh thank God for the big C it was my saving grace.